I feel the need to say something.
But I don't quite know what to and if there is anything, I don't know how to put them in words. I realize that expressing is really not my thing. In any ways you could relate to the act of expressing. Drawing, dancing, screaming, singing out loud, choice of music, writing, you name it. None would be applicable to me. I'm not much of an artist - both inside out and I guess that's what makes me - this is embarrassing and such an awful thing to admit, but, boring and dull. Maybe I scream? I'd bury my face in the pillow and scream til my throat hurts. I tend to express my feelings with raging anger. I know that I have such temper that I might just start throwing things around. Which is why whenever I get mad, I'd throw in some words - just to do the justice on my behalf, and then keeping my mouth shut, I'd walk away from the scene and remain silent. I'd lock myself in my room or I'd go to any place where I can be alone and do what I'm best at; just standing there, staring at life. Remaining silent might be a good option for them, as I won't explode anymore but it only makes things worse for me. Often, I've been swallowing everything inside that I feel the need to let them all out , only finally to discover that I've already forgotten how to. I don't even know where to begin. Sometimes when I look at a group of friends, having fun, talking among each other, two people looking as if they're having a deep conversation going on, I'd feel a sudden pain in my chest. It's as if my heart just shrunk, or more like it. Why can't I do the same? Why can't I just spill everything? I just can't. I really can't. I even question the necessity. I mean, people would have a million other things worth worrying.
Maybe I'm just tired of explaining. I couldn't form sentences from words that match each other perfectly to deliver my point. Nothing I did or do ever seems to be right. I don't understand the need to explain the reason for every single thing. I'm just tired. Just tired of being tired. And to make things worse, I'm just sitting here doing nothing, feeling useless, keeping everything inside of me, forgetting what feelings are supposed to be, actually.
