Monday, April 30, 2012

A day

This is what I had today:
  • 2 toasts + butter spread
  • Hot milo
  • Fried rice (it had 3 shrimps and a fried egg)
  • Iced-lemon tea
  • 1 chocolate cookie
  • 1 6" Subway sandwich (wholemeal bread + 1 slice of chicken ham + lots of lettuce + ranch + olive oil)
  • Grape fanta
  • 1 cupcake
Amagadddd. =_='

And then I did 30 sit ups, star jump and 100x skips. Dang, managed 500 yesterday. 
Somehow the chorus of "Another World" by One Direction makes me kinda sad. It's really sweet. I'd love to have someone in my life who'd be that supportive in what I do. Heh but actions speak louder than words because, words will be just words till you bring them to life. Well other than my family, I am yet to find such a person.

Saturday, April 28, 2012


"Strength is the capacity to break a chocolate bar into four pieces with your bare hands – and then eat just one of the pieces." -Judith Viorst

Ugh I feel so miserable right now. Need. To. Work. Out.
Bring me Jillian!

PMS? That's love

I'm a woman. Among many other things that make me a woman is getting my period. Of course, some are not really welcoming their best friend's monthly visit.

Dear Period,
You’re not wanted.  You’re not loved.  You’re nothing but a pain in my belly and an ache in my back.

PMS is a b***h. 

Seriously? I beg to differ on this. I, on the other hand, am very pleased to get my period every month.

Come my way maybe

I feel the need to say something.

But I don't quite know what to and if there is anything, I don't know how to put them in words. I realize that expressing is really not my thing. In any ways you could relate to the act of expressing. Drawing, dancing, screaming, singing out loud, choice of music, writing, you name it. None would be applicable to me. I'm not much of an artist - both inside out and I guess that's what makes me - this is embarrassing and such an awful thing to admit, but, boring and dull. Maybe I scream? I'd bury my face in the pillow and scream til my throat hurts. I tend to express my feelings with raging anger. I know that I have such temper that I might just start throwing things around. Which is why whenever I get mad, I'd throw in some words - just to do the justice on my behalf, and then keeping my mouth shut, I'd walk away from the scene and remain silent. I'd lock myself in my room or I'd go to any place where I can be alone and do what I'm best at; just standing there, staring at life. Remaining silent might be a good option for them, as I won't explode anymore but it only makes things worse for me. Often, I've been swallowing everything inside that I feel the need to let them all out , only  finally to discover that I've already forgotten how to. I don't even know where to begin. Sometimes when I look at a group of friends, having fun, talking among each other, two people looking as if they're having a deep conversation going on, I'd feel a sudden pain in my chest. It's as if my heart just shrunk, or more like it. Why can't I do the same? Why can't I just spill everything? I just can't. I really can't. I even question the necessity. I mean, people would have a million other things worth worrying.
Maybe I'm just tired of explaining. I couldn't form sentences from words that match each other perfectly to deliver my point. Nothing I did or do ever seems to be right. I don't understand the need to explain the reason for every single thing. I'm just tired. Just tired of being tired. And to make things worse, I'm just sitting here doing nothing, feeling useless, keeping everything inside of me, forgetting what feelings are supposed to be, actually.

Thursday, April 26, 2012

I left myself

I thought of making this blog a diary, like how the title says. I wanted to flip the pages of my old diaries and type them in. I don't know why, I just felt like doing it. Maybe later. Ugh. I can't seem to let the words in my head out. You know some people are just really good with words. When they write, when they speak, words seem to flow so smoothly and then we're reading it and we thought, wow we have a perfectly structured sentence here. What am I saying? I'm hopping from one topic to another. I can assure you, I am the least intelligent person I've ever known. I may have a chain of grades and student awards, but the heck with it. Intelligence is not measured by grades. I need serious self-reconstruction. I know why this happened. I never wanted to admit this because it's too painful to admit the fact that you've changed me into another person. A person that I'm not very pleased to live with. What have you done? Why did you kill me? Or was it my fault instead? I should have been stronger and never let anyone change me. But I guess you were the only one I had, I ignored it when I was slipping away. All I wanted was to be with you. Actually I'm pondering this over now. Why did I want to be with you so bad? Why did I restrict myself for only you that I have sorta delete my entire social life for you? Why would I do that? This isn't me. Why was I too afraid to fight back? Fight for myself? Why am I still afraid now? What has happened to me???????

I've been doing "drugs" of some sort. Boy, tell me it's good. I take high doses of each and they're highly addictive. Maybe I should suggest them too =)
  1. Malikjuana
  2. Payne killers
  3. Styleroids
  4. Horaine
  5. Tomlibacco

Extremely irresistible, highly recommended for screwed-up souls in need of a rapid mood improvement. =)